WOW, I can’t believe it’s been 2 years

 

2 years ago today, my Momma grew her heavenly wings! She had wings here on earth, they just weren't seen so to speak, but felt by many.  I never knew a person could hurt so bad and so much, as I do. A Void that no one else can ever fill.  Some days are more bearable, and others are not so. What I wouldn't give for some more time with her.  She was the GREATEST Momma and Mamaw!!! She is the reason I am who I am today. She is also the reason I always wanted to be a stay home mom. I wanted to do what she did. I hope, that I can have half as much of an impact on my babies, as she did me! She was so much to me! I miss the nightly good night phone calls, I miss the good morning, how are you feeling today calls. I miss calling her and asking her how to do something or make something. I miss picking up the phone when I was mad at James or frustrated with the kids, and she would be able to calm me right away, like NO ONE else can! Or when I needed someone to just listen! She was the best listener! I miss our late nights playing games. Or clearance shopping! Btw, I did a little of that today. I have this dear friend (Deanna) who reminds me of my mom in some ways, well her and the girls and I had lunch and went out clearance shopping. I did find me a few tops. I said, I shopped this way today, just like my Momma would have. She taught me well. I miss so much, the little things the most! Like just chilling out! We had a great time together! And she was the GREATEST person I have ever known! She loved my girls like no one else (besides hubby and myself). I miss the closeness she and James had. She was the Momma he never really had. She taught him lots, and they had a special bond. When he was working nights, and she would get up in the middle of the night for a potty break, she would often call him. Those calls would be so simple and caring and go something like this “I was just calling to see if you were doing ok. If you are getting sleepy I can talk to you.” Sometimes it would be brief, and others they would talk for awhile. The girls miss calling her and being so silly! She was fun and would do the silliest things with the kids, heck with us all! From singing crazy songs, or dressing up silly, or letting you put 50 pony tails in her hair (that’s where Lil E gets it), or maybe the time she put all the birthday hats on her head and around it at once. She is one of a kind! She is a RARE and special gem!

 

Today not only did us girls do some shopping, but we celebrated her life at dinner time, but talking about our favorite memories and such. Each one of us talking about things. It was teary and happy! It really beautiful. I want the girls to know as much about her as possible.

 

I am thankful she is out of pain and able to rock the babies, her precious great grandsons and her first born beautiful daughter. Who were all there waiting to greet her two years ago. But I would so much prefer her to be here with us! I have a promise to see her again, and oh what a day it will be!! And I’m thankful for this gift of salvation, and ever lasting life I have waiting for me, because of our Savior Jesus Christ.

 

Momma there isn't a day that I don't wish for you to be here with us! You are the most awesome and wonderful person! There is so much I want to call you on the phone and tell you. Well I tell you lots now, but I wish I could hear you for real, not just know what you would say.  Thank you for being all you were to all of us. And for loving my babies the way you did. Thank you for teaching me so much and guiding me through life. I can't imagine where I'd be today, if it wasn't for you. I find myself more and more like you every day, and I thank you for this! It makes me so proud to be like you!! I strive to be like you, and to keep your memory alive with the girls, especially K Bugs. She was only 2 years old, you know just the age I was when Memaw passed and you kept Memaw alive so well for me. And it helped. So I hope that I can do the same for K Bugs. You are always with me, in my heart, but I want all the little ones to really know you. Not just a vage memory. I really do, strive to be like you! You are in all our hearts forever! And Missed more than words can say. I thank you so much for instilling in me to never give up, and that I could do anything! Thank you for loving and helping James the way you did. You are the BESTEST Ever!!!! WE love you so much!!!! Always and Forever!!!!! I love you Momma!!!! I miss you!!! I love you!!!!

 

Hugs and Blessings

To My Momma

Momma, I can't believe it's been a year! The tears roll down still for you! I yearn for you more and more all the time. But I know one day we will be reunited and I will be able to have a party with you! And I'm so thankful that God's word tells me this and that I have that promise! Thank you for everything you taught me and for being my strength now! Even though you have left this earth, you are so much of my strength to get through, my strength to keep going, my strength to be the BEST me! I miss you so much!!! I love you so much and my heart will always break and yearn for you! Nothing can change that!!! Nothing helps really! Well that's not true, knowing that I will one day get to see you again, is a promise I hold very dear! I wish you were here to hold baby B. She needs that special rock that only you can do! Your lap never got to small for us! Even as an adult, you would hold and rock us! I am so proud that as a high school girl, I had your lap and lovin arms to hold and rock me to comfort! But Baby B, she needs to hear In the Lord's Army, and really she needs to think that Walking in a winter wonderland is a lulaby. I love you so much and I am so thankful that I was blessed beyond messure to have you as my Momma!! You are the GREATEST person I have ever known!!! Thank you for that!! And for teaching me how to love, just like you! For showing me that if you really love your spouse, you can get through anything with them!! Your unconditional love for dad was such a testament to this, as was your unconditional love to each of us kids and grandkids! No matter what one did, it didn't change how you felt or loved us!!! We all knew we could count on a loving you!!! Thank you Momma!! I know you know how much we miss you, but I am thankful you aren't in pain! I'm thankful you don't have to hurt anymore! I am glad you get to hold and hug Tina! I just wish we could get some more hugs! I am so thankful that you spent and devoted your life to your family! And that we are what mattered! And I try my best to be just like you! Momma, you have taught me to forgive! And to let it be! You have taught me, that I can't change others, but to love them anyway! Doesn't mean I have to like what they do or how they are doing it! You have taught me to feed many! I sure like to cook for company just like you did! No matter the occasion! Actually, like you, just like to do it! Thank you for giving me my love for crafts! Thank you for being the best example in life that I ever had!!! Thank you for never giving up on me, and always teaching me, I can reach my dreams!!! Nothing is to far out of reach, that I can do anything I want to do! That I have to believe!!! And the way you loved all my friends as your own! Thank you for being the Momma that took us to do all the fun stuff, like the week every year at the Country Fair, to shopping, to crafting, and so much more! to making me the night owl I am! And giving me a love of games like I do! I miss you visiting and us staying up near all night long to play cards!!!! Or how I wish we could have another Christmas Eve up all night baking cookies and candy! What sweet memories!!! But not matter what, us night owls sure had fun!!!! It was always so much fun!!! We may not have had lots of money to do all the big things, but you always made every visit and time we had together, so special and fun!!! I guess God and You knew it was by that example, of you loving my friends as your own, that I'd choice adoption, even before I knew of my infertility! It was your love and acceptance of Shelby more than so many others, that I knew I had one of the GREATEST supporters ever in adopting my kids! You and Dad loved them kids like NO ONE else ever can!!! Momma, the girls miss you so much!!

K, your sweet name sake, tells everyone that her Mamaw is died on the Cross and one day we can go to Heaven too! She is still a little spit fire, but she is so funny and charming! Oh how she loves you!!!

And E, oh how she still needs you! You were by far her most favorite person in this world! She really can't get over you not being here! She refuses to get rid of anything that was from you, or that she thinks is from you. She even is angry that others have their Grandma, and her's isn't here with her! She misses sleeping in bed with you! She misses staying up late with you, and popsicles on the porch! You would be so proud of her! She is doing great in school and adjusting pretty good! She talks about you all the time, and how much she misses this or that! And how you would be at the hospital when she was sick! She remembers everything you did! Like the silly faces you would make to make the kiddos laugh! And how you would rock and sing to her! You are very much a big part of her life, even without being here!

I hope to be the best class mom and supporting Mom just like you!! You never missed anything! You were at my games, at scouts, was at all school functions! You made everything more fun! And it was always so nice to know I could count on you to be there!!! I wish you could see me as Big bird walking back and shaking my hiney on more time after the parade! Or could you see me dance one more time! There are so many things I wish we could do again!!! It's been so super hard to even consider renewing our wedding vows and you not be here on earth with us.

and Momma, James still is lost! You are his Mom! He admired you so much! He misses your phone calls to just check on him and let him know you loved him! To see how the weather was, and in reality, you just wanted to make sure he was wide awake out on the road! He misses you making him put up all the clean clothes you would wash and dry and fold, while visiting, and yet I didn't have to do any. I don't think he will ever have another connection with anyone else like he did you! Momma, you were a HUGE part of making him the man he is!!! And I'm so thankful that you saw the BEST in him and loved him from the start and always did!!!!

And well Momma, you know I'll always want you here with me! I need you so much! I can't tell you how much! But know I did the right think and stayed with my family and didn't hide from the world. I'm thankful I"m just like you!! From the good and not so good to everything! I'm a mini you and I'm very proud I am!!!

I love you and miss you!! More than I can explain or say!!!!! But I am the lucky one! Because of you I am who I am!!!! I just wish you could scoop me up into your arms and rock me in that rocking chair again!! I need that comfort! I need you and love you!!!! Then tonight, I needed to call you and you bring me back to reality and I didn't have you. And there is no one that can help me like you did! Momma I love and miss you more and more all the time! I will forever and always love you!!!!

with all my heart always and forever, I LOVE YOU Momma!!!!! You are the BESTEST Friend a person could have!!!

Remembering Momma/Mamaw through the worst pain!

I have cried harder tonight than I have most anytime since getting through the horror of saying goodbye! All the sudden, it has hit me me like it was just happened! Like I just feel from her arms, after she took her last breath. Or even like the week before she passed, when I cried every single night like this! So bad that my dear friend would listen to me and cry with me! No ones heart should ever hurt like this!

Then I went and got out our letters to Momma/ Mamaw, the ones we wrote, that were read at her funeral! And I wanted to share them. I don't know that anyone really cares to read them, and maybe not, but for me right now, they were what I needed to read and share! Maybe a little insight on just what a special person she really was!!!! And here's the links to her obituaries and here too....

Letter 1

Mamaw,

I love you! And You are going to Heaven. I am going to miss making cookies with you, a cake too. Thank you for eating cracker with me and Grandaddy in bed. Daddy and Mommy miss and love you. I will love you forever and I am gong to miss Mamaw!

Lil E

Letter 2

Mom love you very much! I can remember the very first time I met you, and you treated me like family. I also remember at the end of the weekend, when it was time for me to leave, you teased me about never wearing a Gordon shirt to your house again. Just so you know, Mom, I will never wear one again, and my girls never will either. Thank you so much for all the love and support you have shown me through the years, just wish there were alot m ore years. Love you mom. Rest easy that we will all be fine here on Earth till it's our day to once again unite in Heaven with you. Thank you also for being the world's greatest mom in law & mamaw to our kids and the world!

James

Letter 3

Momma

Thank you for being the most awesome Inspiration to us! You are my Hero! I will always keep you alive in all I do. If I can be half the lady you were, I will be good. I could go on forever about all the special times, and all the things you taught me, as well about how special you are! Thank you for being everyones mom and mamaw, even when I didn't like sharing you with the world. I want you to know, that there will never be anyone else's arms that can cradle, rock, and hold me like you did. We never got to big for you to that while singing to us. Songs like In the Lords's Army & Winter Wonderland, that I was in 2nd grade before I realized it was not a lullabye. No matter what you wer going through, you had more faith than anyone I know. Thank you, Momma, for your unconditional love, no matter what any of did, for being our biggest fan, encouraging us to do our best, & that we could do anything we set our minds to. I hope you are loving on those babies, until I get there to ring Meemaw's cowbell, or sit in your lap again. I will always keep you in my heart! I love you more than you can imagine! Thank you for making me who I am through and through. I love you forever & always! Missing you until I get to join you!

Patty

I know I will see her again. I talk to her all the time. I can feel her. But it's not the same! I need her here with me. I need her to talk to me, to listen, to make everything special! To cheer me on, to hear what the girls are doing, what they made, what they say! I need for us to see her beautiful face, to hear her voice! I want to hear her sing to me! I can hear her singing to my Elissa, "Oh what a friend I have in Jesus"! I can hear it, like she is sitting next to me! But it's not enough! I need her!!

My heart hurts, it's not an ache! I mean it's real hurt, true physical pain! It's horrid!!! I just need her to be with all of us!!! My sweet Lil K, just wont remember her as vivid as the other Grandkids! She was a toddler! She will get to know her more through stories, but it's just not the way it is suppose to be!

WHY???? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really!!!!!!!!!! Please someone tell me this nightmare is over and she is going to be cooking the fish at our family reunion this year! I just need my Momma!!!

And I know I'm being a baby, and that is ok! Because I am a baby! I heartbroken baby girl! I am My Momma's Baby!

All my family needs her! My poor daddy is so lonely! It hurts me to know he is that lonely!!! I just don't understand! And I never will!!!! She was so worried about dad and my sister, and now it's her we are without!!!

How can I have been doing so good, to all the sudden, out of no where, take this drastic turn in how I am handling it!

There you have it, how my night is going!!! I just need her!!!

Remembering 9/11/01

Please never forget the Day the World Stood Still!

Remember all that loved and lost,

and all the great Heros,

many who perished too!

God Bless the USA!