You can't even grasp it! And where do I start???? I don't even know!!! It is pure chaotic! And not even been in a good way!!! Whew!!!! So much has been going on, besides the loss of Momma. At times I really thought about giving up, and even said the words, that Jesus could take me with her! But in reality, I have a job left here on Earth!!! But what, an incredible difficult ride I have been on! And don't ever say it can't get worse! And don't say How much more can we take, because, it will be more than you can ever imagine!! That's for sure!!!!
I really don't know how to put it all in to words, but I am trying!!!
As most know we have been watching a Liver mass on my daddy for a year now. And that alone is stress. After the MRSA eating up his lungs from his open heart surgery in 2005, he can't hold his breath for an MRI or anything, so it makes things even more difficult!!! So he has major breathing troubles!!!
Then when it really started to go crazy for us... First off, the out of control spiral, started in June, when my sister was admitted and her intestines ruptured in two spots! She is been battling Chrons Disease for nearly 20 years, with ONLY about 18 months ever in remission!!! She spent days in ICU, and it's been a long recovery for her! But I learned that even as she looks like she can't do it, she is still a fighter and can get through it! And she has! Even with every trouble that has come her way from this, she has found a way, and hasn't lost any faith!
Then, It's trip number 2 for me in the ER, I am told I have neuralgia in my head! And am given some meds and told if they don't help, then the only other option is beta shots in the head! Excuse me??? Needles in my head?? No I don't really think so! Not going to happen!!! Are you kidding me! I try my best at the new meds. And we all know I HATE taking meds! So this in itself is a job! But I am going to try! With one I can't function at all! And that is a pain med, so it's out! Then the other is just not really helping and of all, I can't sleep with it! This starts and the mood swings and hostile me come! I'm totally out of character, and this continues to progress! But with all the other stresses that keep happening, we just push it as the STRESS of life getting to me!!!
By Aug, it is time for the dreaded doctor visit for myself, and I mean dreaded! With all that is going on and the first knot on the back of my head not going down in size, we know I have to get it biopsied! WHAT, not really! This can't be! I am a young 34 year old mom of 2, and my babies adoption was only 6 months prior! I can't deal with this! But the news comes, there there is a mass on my neck and not 1 but 2 knots on the back of my head! That they will be removing them and then doing a biopsy, but it doesn't appear to clear and clean results and all! WHAT? So I am freaked out!!!!! I'm scared to death, and even more scared, because though I love my family and friends, I am different, I want to raise my kids different from their ways, and what would happen, if I can't do it, or am not here? So As I start to fret and freak out, things get more tense!!! So off to get my CT Scans done, and surgery the first week of Sept!!! But wait I show up, and my CTs aren't approved, because in the month of Aug pre auth was not required, but now in Sept it is (Thanks to Health Care Reform......... YUCK) ...... So now surgery is not going to happen either.... As I start my fight with the insurance and working with the doctors office to get it all approved, these words are said to me... "I have asked God to save you, honey, you are needed, I can go, if he needs someone from our family." What, no you can't! It isn't your time I say! How I should have known, the tongue is power, my friends! It really is!!!!
So it's Tuesday night and all is going on, I am still really mad that I didn't have my CT Scans this day, and it's getting close to bed time! Mom calls me and had been fine as can be. She says to me, I am going to bed, I have a headache. I just wanted to tell you I love you and I will talk to you tomorrow!!!!! No matter what know I always love you!!!! (how I wish I had known this would be the last time my mom ever called me!!! What would I have said then that I didn't!) I told her I loved her and to feel better and that I'd talk to her the next morning!
Wednesday morning I am hard at work on getting my CT scans approved and back the surgery schedule. I call to to check on mom early, and get back to work on this! Dad says she has a really bad headache, and is sleeping. I tell him, we are praying and let me know later! So I hit the phones again! But as the day goes on, Momma isn't even feeling better! And the worry in dad's voice gets bigger with each call I make to them! Finally that afternoon, after she is too weak to do anything and now vomiting, they call the doctor, and he says get to the ER now! Off to the Er they go! And with in a short time, they say there is a Mass on mom's lung! What it wasn't there 2 months ago! Are you for real? They tell us they are going to do more tests and that Mom is being admitted. As she gets sicker right in front of them, it's just been a couple of hours and now they are moving her to ICU! So I ask can I just tell her I love her, since I am so far away! And as dad holds the phone up to her, the nurse says tothat mom can't talk, she is too sick to use any energy to talk to us. So mom did say "I love you baby girl!" What it's night time, and it's a danger for me to drive there. So I'm stuck! I become more angry and sad and scared!!!
Thursday morning I call first think at 6:20 am to check on Mom, and things are about the same, she didn't rest the night before at all...But was going to have some CT Scans that day... So I get busy as soon as I can working on getting my CT Scans approved. As now I have missed my surgery, and I'm terrified about my momma! Then I called again to check on her, and I can tell something isn't right! They aren't telling me, but mom's machines go off and I tell my sister go take care of mom! I knew then, that the fact everyone promised to never hold anything back from me, they had! I try to reach my hubby and he wont take my calls, so I get so mad because I think he is playing on the phone! I mean really, he knows what all is going on! But then he calls me and has never taken the charge like he did. He said to me "Stop what you are doing and sit down and listen to what I tell you! We have to talk now, and you are to do just what I say." I'm taken back, who are you to tell me what to do is going through my angry mind! He continues "Pack your bag, I mean your real bag, not just a change of clothes, I say several outfits and all your meds! Don't do any school with Lil E today! Get the girls dressed and pack their diaper bag and take them next door. Then I am tryign to get you from our house to childress, but in childress you will ride with Tom to get to mom!" I said what is wrong, with lots of emotion and anger! He says "Just do it"! I am like no, tell me now! And he says the most horrible words "Patty, they have put mom on life support! They asked for you to get there now!" ..... WHAT, how long have you known! I become so angry that my family all kept this for an hour from me, so James would find me a ride! I get more and more angry as I ride there! WE aren't going fast enough, things aren't the way I want them! This is just crazy! My mom! Are you kidding me, she is the glue of our family, the most loving caring person.. I grew up without grandparents from a very young age, no I don't want my kids to be like that! I don't want them to have that void! As we all know my inlaws see them differently as they are adopted! Why why why, must this be!!!! I spend a lot of time crying and angry and even at one point not sure how to pray anymore, because I am selfish and I want my momma!!! My kids are so much younger than my nieces, and they need their Mamaw! I finally get there, but it's shift change and I have to wait for the next visiting hours to see her!!! All the warnings in the world wasn't enough to prepare me to see my mom like that! The one person who never wanted life support of any kind, now is laying in a medically induced coma on life support!!!! Tubes every where, a feed tube! And I try to be so strong for everyone else! Then at night I fall apart, when no one is with me!!!! So after James gets home from work, he and the girls head out to be there with all of us! And they arrive just in time for him and I to make the 5 am first ICU visit of the day!!! And as the days go on, it gets worse and worse! She has pneumonia, but went sepsis! The sepsis has damaged everything! And she even has it at the skin by now! It's rocked on and she can't even handle 2 to 2 1/2 hours of dialysis, because she goes into cardiac distress and they have to stop it. So we have perm damage to her kidneys and liver. It's at the time we must decide do we treach her or remove life support! I try to keep my mouth shut and go with the flow, so there is no disagreements in the family at all!!!
Wait, let me back up! In the 2 weeks of being there, we have seen so much good! God at work for sure!!! Forgiveness, we never thought would happen, within our extended family even! And to former Church family! We have seen nurses sit and cry with us and be there in ways I never knew they could!!! We learned we are stronger and a better family than we ever knew! We learned Momma and Daddy touched way more people with their love and generousity than we never could have imagined! We cried and laughed and all together, and yet we all pulled away to deal in our own way too! I love my family and both my sisters, but it was hard. I didn't want them to see me be a basket case, and they had lots of friends with them, plus their grown kids! I on the other hand, have little kids, that don't need to see mommy like that! And I didn't have a lot of friends help me or even be there! I felt so alone! Never in my life have I felt this alone!!! I couldn't talk on the phone to people that lived away, because I couldn't get the words out! I tried really hard, but I pushed my husband away, because I was scared and angry!!! God sent me an angel, funny as it is, an old friend, even a former boy friend, who had lost his father! Never would I wish this one anyone! And I sure didn't wish it for David, but he could grasp my heart break! And each night when I feel apart late at night, he would cry with me on the phone!!! And tell me how blessed I was to have a good husband and beautiful girls and awesome parents! But all day I would spend at the hospital and feel so alone again! ....... Back to decision time..........
So we have the prognosis, and we can put her on the treach and a move the feed tube to the stomach (g tube), and no matter what she still can't withstand dialysis, so her kidneys will continue to get worse and the poison get in her body, and no matter what there is nothing they can do for her liver and she will die a painful death of liver disease! This is a woman that NEVER did drink anything! Are you serious!!!!! NO no, momma will not have to suffer!!! So through the few days of decision making back and forth in our family, I decide I will just run away from everyone and everything! I stand at the cross roads, like I never have before in my life! Friday when they had to stop the last dialysis, and she couldn't handle it! I did get to see a smile and tear. Us 3 girls and Daddy were there with her! My oldest sister and I saw her telling the Angels no! Then she faded and was no longer responsive to anyone really throughout the entire weekend! Saturday we decide that we will meet again with the Docs on Monday and make our final decision. We also decided we would tell Mom it was ok to go, if she wanted!!! I really thought I could tell her! But I ran out of the room! James went back with me, and I told her in tons of words and more tears than I knew I had left! But I told her! But on Sunday we will go to Church as a family at Mom and Dad's Church, and my oldest Sister's Church. And we do, we were all together and it was beautiful!!!! And so many tears fell and people hit their knees, like you wouldn't believe! But I have to say I was so scared that I would not be strong enough to make the right choice! Even after being in Church and knowing God was with us, I wasn't sure I could do the right thing. And as James had to return to work the next day, decision day, or he would be without a job, because we learned the week before they were closing down our terminal, I begged him to not go. I told him how scared I was to do it alone, and just how scared I was of making the biggest and worst mistake of my life! I told him I was at the crossroads and if I did the wrong thing I knew I'd loose him, and the girls and my family.. As I cried and shook uncontrollably, he says to me " Baby, I have faith, and because you have God on your side, you will make the right choice!" I am blessed, because of my husband, let me tell you!!! He had faith in our Lord and in me, that I didn't have have!!!!! So later that day when he and I go in so he can tell Mom bye, I tell her after he is walking out, "Momma I will not ever like this, but I will be ok. You taught me everything I know, and made me who I am! I will never let you down, and no worries I will always be with him and the girls. I will do what is right. I am just like you, Momma! I will be ok, and so will they! And you know I will always be there for Daddy!"
I had the hardest time though realizing my husband, the love of my life, wasn't able to comfort me and support me the way I wanted, or needed, because he was grieving so hard! Because you know what, Momma was the ONLY mom he considered to be his mom! And instead of seeing that the entire time, I was just getting more upset that we were both grieving so badly!
I can't even hardly relive this time, but then again, in a way it is helping me cope too!! So one of my best friends since Jr High, came down Friday night and stayed that Saturday, she went home and did not come on Sunday to Chuch, so that she could babysit the girls for me on Monday! And sure as the world that is what she did! And my friends Kim and Steph were late nighters so they would listen to me cry and cry and cry some more at night! That is after I would cry to David. HOw I wish they had been able to be with me in person and not far away. But I now they were in their hearts and spirits! And I know If I had not had the support of my other friends far away, (Heather, Mel, Stacey, Ami and Tanya), I wouldn't have been able to cope! It may have been short texts or a simple note, but they are what kept me going!! I love you all so much! I love all my friends and family! And I appreciate what each person did for me!!! Thank you will never be enough!
Monday, Sept 20, They decide to do dialysis again! Knowing she wasn't able to respond that morning at all! And my sisters decide to wait one more day! I sit and keep my mouth shut, and cry my tears of sadness. But again now, they have to stop dialysis! And we went in there. She wasn't able to do anything. barely wink now that is after there is NO pain medicine and NO sedation! Barely blink is it!!! So we decide it's time. And my oldest sister asks her Mom, we know your wishes of no life support, and it's past the agreeed upon time. We know you are tired and there isn't any thing we can do to help you here to get better, so are you ready for us to remove the tubes and let you go home. We get the smallest blink and nod yes. We can see she tries to smile at us for doing what she wants and a tear came outs, we all 3 girls and dad tell her it is ok, we are together and will see her in Heaven one day, and how much we love her!!!!!!!!!............ UGH!!!!!!!!!!!! The hardest day of my life!!!!!
We had the VERY best nurse ever! She stayed past her shift with us! She had to do the same thing, and had been one of momma's primary nurses throughout her stay in ICU there! I will never be able to say Thank you enough to Ms Sandy! She was the BEST nurse for our family!!! She helped us through out the entire time, but that very day she was something I never thought anyone could be for us!!!
They opened up Momma's ICU room and gave us an empty room next to her, no more visiting hour or maximum people count to worry with. All was welcome! Even the kids! So the very first thing I did was let my Little E go in and tell her goodbye! And then I let her play with her sister and Deb's baby while Debbie was babysitting them! And before you knew it, I was in her upper arm, and my oldest sister in the bed with her on her lower arm! We were blessed to be in Momma's arms with her last breath! But the living hell had just begun then!!!! I hit the floor in hysterics! And guess what, I was there without support! I am on the floor hysterically screaming and crying, uncontrollably! But Mom and Dad's Pastor came and prayed over me and helped me a lot!!! I was so distraught and the torment just begun!!!!! We stayed all week with Dad! And headed home that Sunday (9/26).... What a horrid day, to leave Daddy, and to know when I return I wouldn't be able to see Momma alive here on earth Again! I was so lost! I cried the entire way home!
The thoughts that go through my head that make me feel so alone, Momma was the ONLY one in my family that agreed with and totally supported out decision to homeschool. All the while the others are very vocal about it! Who will I call now? Momma gave everyone her unconditional love! Who's lap will i still cradle up in and be rocked! Who will I call when I need to know I'm doing what is right, or when I need help in the kitchen! Who will I call a million times a day to tell her what is going on, or what my kids just said or did? Who will be with me when I do my surgeries, who will help I laugh with at all the memories! Who will be our everything? I can't imagine life without her by me! It's the hardest of things I can ever do! I know she is Heaven and pain free, but I wanted and needed my momma so much!!!
That first week was hard hard hard! But I did get my CT Scans done! WOW! Finally I got to have them. But I was so scared. Then last weekend, Saturday 10/2, we went to look at houses, and I cried more, because Momma always helped me unpack and set up my new house! WHAT, I'll be all alone this time! I can't do this. Not to mention the words momma said to me, are still ringing in my ears!!! The fact she would ask God to take her and leave me, hurt in a away, and yet I know that is just a Momma's love!!!! But I need her!!!! But the phone rang, and I could hear the fear in James' voice! I knew it was bad!!! I didn't know who it was about, but I knew it was not good news. They called to tell us that they had my brother in law in the hospital having grandma seizures! He was unresponsive and it was bad! I am like no, he is my big brother, I don't know life without him. I am learning life without mom, but I don't know life without him, and can't loose him too!!! My sister can't handle this!!! And this week was filled with craziness!! They found he had a tumor, that has spidered off, but he couldn't have surgery as there was too much swelling in the brain! So we had to wait a few days. He had just turned 50 while Momma was in the hospital. He is healthy, and what in the world is going on here! The Devil has to get back!!! So Wednesday is Surgery day for he and for me! Momma has never not been with us! What are we suppose to do! OH MY GOODNESS! But we made it!!! And he is doing really well!!! I'm so thankful for the most awesome hospital that the paramedics took them too! They took him to Grapevine Baylor, and passed several others, because they KNEW he needed the BEST! And let me tell you, they got the best care there! No one could have ever been treated better than he and my sister have been! We will learn tomorrow what the results are for him and when he will start radiation and if he will do chemo too. But I know that God is good and the best part his he now has God with him! What was Momma's prayer! And so I know he will be good!!!!
So It's been a living hell! And my emotions have run everywhere, and I haven't been blogging or anything because I just don't want to function in life without Momma! Not to mention, we know that the med they put me on in July is helping my horrible moodiness! The anger and hostile feelings, that are not me! This is the NUMBER 1 side effect of this med! So we are weening me off. So hopefully that will help some too. But I have realized that I have to learn to function again, because My momma did it when i was only 2, and she too was 34, just like my Lil K is 2 and me 34. So I know I have to do better and be better, so I can be like Momma! I don't want my kids or husband to ever feel I didn't love them enough to make a good life for them.. I don't know how, but I know that they deserve a good mom and a good wife, so I am going to do my best! And with God I can do all things, because he is my strength!!!! So Jesus has been carrying me through these horrible tough times, but now it's time I walk beside him! And so the new journey in my life begins! I don't know how or what, but will be taking it day by day! That's the best that I can do!! (this is Friday night, 10/8)......
So yesterday we had a better day! We made cookies, played outside, watched strawberry shortcake, made dinner for daddy when he got home. And kinda took it slow and easy!!!! But it was a day of way more smiles and laughter than it has been, and even though we had tears, it was still a better day!!! I will make a blog of some of the funnies of yesterday later on......
And now today I have cried and cried and cried as I finished up this blog of mine, and I miss My Momma! But I know that she is with us all! And so today I am going to make my family a really special dinner and be a good day with the 4 of us!
Thank you for making it through the crazy horrible times with us!!! I'm so thankful for those that have reached out, and you are loved! Even if it's a call, text, note, card, or the few visits, it means so much to us!!! So in it all, we had to keep Praising God! Even if it was just for another breath of life, or for my brother in law coming through surgery without stroking, or for the insurance approving treatments, or for dad doing so well, or for the kids I have, for our family and friends! We had to, we are blessed even in our darkest times, we are blessed, and I know if I had not had God with me, I sure wouldn't have gotten through this!!!!! That's a promise!!!!!
Hugs and Blessings,
