I disappeared and couldn’t really grasp a hold of more than surviving. I set out to do so much better and get back to blogging that I loved. I just didn’t know how or what to do to get through more than just getting by. I didn’t want to come and blog as I had nothing but despair to share. Even though I knew I had hope and a lot to be thankful for, I just couldn’t find much joy to share.
Life really has dealt me a lot of hard things these last few years. Last fall my dad was placed on hospice. I knew he was getting worse, but I just couldn’t really accept it. I didn’t want to be parentless here on Earth. I was a Daddy’s girl just as much as I was a Momma’s girl. As much as I didn’t want to see him go, I didn’t want to see him suffer. So it was hard to say the least. I knew he would be going home to my be with our Lord and would be with Momma, the true love of his life. I am totally selfish and wanted him with us. I wanted my kids to still have their Grandaddy, as they were still having such a hard time with loosing Mamaw and then their Papa. We traveled early in Dec to have our family Christmas with my Dad. He was doing really bad. I knew he was fighting to hold on through the Holidays, but I guess I had decided he was going to fight and get through longer, Jan (my birthday) and Feb (Momma’s birthday). Little did I know! He took a great turn for the worst the day after my birthday. The morning after my birthday, Tuesday Jan 15 he went down hill. The girls and I had been sick, so I didn’t leave right away, because if there was any chance of him getting better, we wanted to not give him our germs. His hospice nurse said this could drag on, he had pneumonia. Thursday while at another doctor appointment, I had her gives us an ok and knew it was not the flu, I decided the girls and I would travel down the next day. We did not know for how long. He couldn’t really talk, but I made my sister give him that phone and wake him for me to tell him that night, just like every night, that I loved him. Little did I know that would be the last time he would hear those words from me. Friday morning a little before 6, my phone rang. It was my sister saying, “Dad isn’t here anymore”. The hardest words to ever hear!!! I didn’t have to hear it with my Momma, I was in her arms and saw the last breath and the machine when they flat lined. Very different, yet both so painful! So we traveled there and planned his funeral. I was in a very bad place and shape. I had hit bottom! The heart break was terrible! Something I can’t begin to tell you. It drew my blood pressure sky high, and the headaches and muscle tension was enough to bring me down immediately. I am talking severe physical pain that literally would have me collapse. It was terrible. Anxiety that was out of this world. I will be forever thankful for all that gave us the love and support. I’m so glad my husband was there with me and never left my side. As well as greatly thankful for one of my dearest friends, Debbie, who is like a sister, as she stood by me and came to sit with me. Even taking extra time off of work to be there. Before we could come home we had to clean out his stuff and leaving his apartment the last time was really terrible! Then leaving the area knowing I’d never be able to just go home to my parents. I love my sisters dearly, but no one compares to my parents.
We get home and I just don’t know how to function. Each night at dinner time, is a time I dreaded! Before I’d call Daddy and remind him to take his medicine and that I loved him. And now every time I was to cook dinner, I wanted to call him. This left me not much wanting to cook. Life was crazy! Then the place we were living was getting worse in many ways. So it was time to move and so in it all we had to pack and move. It was really hard. And in the midst of packing, my first sweet baby, my precious furbaby. She had been with us since very early in our marriage and was my 1st baby. She had seen me through the infertility days and been an unconditional love. Not mans best friend, but one of this gals bestest friends. My precious Little Bit left this world. She had been sick and the time had come. I held her past her very last breath. What more!!! Oh I still have to finish packing and get moved. And this is right behind a big snow fall. That pushed everything behind a few days than planned. Seems the moves are harder and harder without my Momma and Daddy, because they use to help us. They would say they couldn’t do much, but they wanted to do anything I could. But it was the company, the memories, the togetherness! And this move, well it was fast, and hard. I found myself not unpacking, because I didn’t care as much. What did it matter, I wasn’t going to get to even show them pictures! I didn’t take as many pictures of life! Yet who was I cheating, myself and the hubby and kids! But I couldn’t see it! But that’s not bad enough!
As many know the girls are adopted and were drug babies. We have had some health issues that we have had to deal with all along. But this is worse than it has ever been! It’s really bad. So we end up in the ER and being admitted into the hospital with our youngest, who is 5, Lil K! I thought life before was hard, but it became in harder! She is doing really bad, dehydrated, and not able to eat or drink. After several days in the hospital, they are now talking a feeding tube. Talk about a blow! I am totally lost! My baby! It was hubby, me and the girls. I was alone and not sure what to do. We live far my sisters, and no family here! So I had sat alone with 2 kids in the hospital part of the time. Hubby gets home and comes and does all he can. But then I try to be so strong and not show how scared I am, to not upset the girls anymore. But the Pedi unit at the hospital was beyond amazing! They were the best I could have asked for. Little one is in right at 2 weeks (missed a couple of days in the middle). She was in a week, discharged and a couple of days returned back in. We did get to be home for Easter, those couple of days. Easter is hard missing Momma because it was our biggest Celebration of the year. Back to Lil K. 2 surgeries later we are on the mend. My oldest sister flew in the day we were admitted the 2nd time. So we sat at the hospital. I was so glad she was with us. And she has a lot of my momma in here too! (just like I do). She did laundry and all to help me get caught up after being in the hospital so much. That is so something Momma would have done. So it was bittersweet. I was just devastated. My Momma and Daddy have always been with us when we are sick! And I wanted them! I needed them! It was crazy, she had to have her gall bladder removed, because she had gall stones. Then she had GI issues, chronic. So we are on a special diet and medicines for life. But I kept thanking God it wasn’t worse and she would be ok. Yet still low and distraught. We get out and are on our way to getting better. But guess what, Big sister, Lil E, is now admitted and doing bad. Her pain is out of control. I was so upset and even more alone. Again hubby is off to work and not home with us. This time neither sister can make the trip at all. She is in and ends up with GI issues, again chronic, but also with erosion in the esophagus, and kidney stone. And not only is her gall bladder bad, but it’s shriveled up. So again 2 surgeries and a lot of mess, later we are on the mend too. This time I just lost it! I was at my lowest point. It was a Friday, she was pretty much wiped from the pain and pain medicine. I hadn't slept. I sat in that hospital room and cried! I couldn’t stop it! I wanted to move. I begged and pleaded, why does God keep us here! Why, why must we stay in a place I am so alone. Why can’t the girls and I have family and friends around? Why must we live so far away from the ones that matter most? Why can’t we all get to live by each other and have the wonderful little life we dream of? I want my closest friends near me! I want my family! I just couldn’t understand why God kept closing the doors on a move to a place that would give us all this! Why did I have to do so much of it alone. We have now spent nearly a month in the hospital and I am weary! I just don’t understand. And I am fed up watching my kids hurt. I have sat and held them and cried and cried. I am tired. What more am I gonna deal with? We have her 2nd surgery the 19th of April. So we are home, and she is having a much harder recovery. This momma just wants her girls well.
After we get out of the hospital, and I am trying to figure out what to do to make life better. God says “Are you going to listen yet?” I of course had to say “I have been: don’t you want us to live in XYZ and have friends and family? Isn’t that what you showed me? We have a purpose there, right”… He says to me “My child, you have to wait. There is a time for you to go and a time to stay. Now is a time to stay. Other work must be completed first.” WOW! I have to stay!!! But then it hit me! You know what, I have to stop trying to rush God’s plan. And I have to stop trying to force my twist on it! It’s not my plan at all. It’s his! And I am so sad and disheartened at being stuck here, that I don’t even realize when he is opening doors for us here! Yes I had faith, and I never walked away from knowing God. But I still tried to do it my way! So what did it create? More heartache and non-contentment. Sometimes we have to stop trying to do it our way and follow God’s guidance. It was then I saw. No I don’t have family here. But I have a couple of friends. We have a wonderful Church that we love and who is wonderful to us. We have awesome neighbors. And guess what our friends and neighbors are God loving believers! God is trying hard to bless our business that we started. I have to let him. I have to stop fearing if it takes off I will be stuck out here in no mans land.
Isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”
I have to walk his way! And I even though I spend time thanking him for what he does, I have to stop dwelling in the loneliness and grievance that life has handed me.
I am never alone! No matter what! Because just like those dark days in my past, I knew he was there, but I didn’t let it be enough. I was greedy, wanting more! Why, because I was still listening to the world, saying happiness is with many friends and family! With all the good things and fun times! But you know I had to realize I have the choice to be happy or sad. I can be happy each and every day no matter how dark of a day! I have to make and find my happiness! And I have a wonderful husband who loves me through every fault, and 2 beautiful and precious blessings, our daughters. I had awesome parent. I have many that love us. But more than that I have the GREATEST King, my Heavenly Father. The Almighty Creator.
John 14:18 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
And that he does! He brings comfort always, and I just have to allow that to be the comfort I look for and not the false comforts of the world. I have to remind myself each and every day. I have to remind my self when I am down and not standing in the word with all of my being I am cheating myself and the hubby and girls, and I am cheating my Heavenly Father.
And even though I fail him so often. I am given the Grace needed to keep on! You know he loves us and never turns away from us! He freely gives us the grace we need in life.
Ephesians 6:24 Grace to all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with an undying love.
It’s that simple. A promise for us, the grace we need! So it’s with his grace and comfort that I am here finding my happiness with each new day, no matter what it has for me. I have joy in knowing I am his! Joy in knowing I will one day see my parents again! I have joy in being the Godly wife and Momma he has called me to be! I have Joy in living this journey! The journey that I am following his lead, and being content with where he has us now! So each day I have to look to to find the joy, and some of those days are harder than others, but I have to do it. For if not I am not honoring him with all of me!
John 16:22 Your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you!
So I am making my way to my own happiness! This past Saturday I cooked, cleaned and baked with a happy heart! We entertained friends that night. Sunday had a beautiful Church service. One that shed some light on sometimes we have to fill the smaller purposes first to get to the larger purpose God has for us. And yet we spend so much time in a crisis mode because we are only focusing on the one purpose and miss out on happiness and not always honoring or heading to God’s plan for us. Yes yes that was right home to me again! A knock on this hard head of mine. That afternoon I had a great surprise, and was asked to be an advisor for a soriety. What an honor! Details will come soon. Then I went for a soul searching super inspiring motorcycle ride with hubby and God. And would you believe God and I had a long talk on that ride. I am returning to blogging and going to do all I can do to make our days happy and joyful, following his plan, not mine!
I had been wanting to return to blogging, but just didn't know how, and was lead today to return and share with yall. I was inspired and decided to link up with a special lady and blogger. So please visit her and check out other Rubies Tuesday Blogs.
Hugs and Blessings,
