I don’t normally enjoy Mother’s Day and it’s a day that I struggle greatly with. I first struggled knowing I’d never give birth and the years of being childless. Then after years of this, I became a mom and was so thankful. I celebrated my first Mother’s Day and it was special. Then a mere four months later, my sweet niece lost both her babies. It was terrible. And by the next Mother’s Day I found it hard to be joyous when I was watching my niece grieve her babies. It should have been her first and full of joy, instead it was full of sadness and grief. I watched my sister grieve her only two grandchildren. This opened my heart to those hurting so much on this day. From then on I couldn’t find this day so joyous, instead if hurt so much for all those that were hurting. I hurt for my niece, my sister, for my mom as she grieved her first child and her grandbabies. I hurt for my sweet friend Mel that had always wanted kids, but had to have a hysterectomy like I did. I hurt for my cousin, B, that had lost her baby late, in her second trimester, right around Mother’s Day. I hurt for my friends that wanted kids, and it had not happened. For those sad and missing their moms. It just became a day that I felt guilty to be so happy and to see so many I knew hurting. So I didn’t find joy. In 2010 my mom passes away, and in 2011 it was a horrible time. My sister had been fighting for her life and in the hospital. I was so scared that I would loose her too. It was the first Mother’s Day without my Momma. So it was just an all around horrible day! The absolute worth Mother’s Day I had ever had. I wasn’t at home, as I was out of town to be with my sister and family there. My friend promised to make me a special day when I got back home. But that was just empty words. So I had come to really dread Mother’s Day. I struggled so much and didn’t want any part of Mother’s Day. In 2013 I found a card and bought it for my Momma, and wish I could have sent it to Heaven. But still didn’t want much to do with Mother’s Day. I grieved my mom, and I hurt so much for all those hurting.
This year I was not looking forward to Mother’s Day any more than I had in the years before. I was dreading everything about it. My sweet oldest Lil E kept saying for weeks, I am going shopping and I am going to get you the most beautiful necklace because you are special and the best. I would tell her, oh don’t worry about that. It’s ok sweetie. As it got closer and closer, I was more and more not looking forward to the day. I had had a rough week on several levels and just was out of sorts. I love that I homeschool. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. However this year, I was feeling sad, if the girls were to make me those homemade Mother’s Day crafts, it would be with my lead and then they just wouldn’t mean the same. I had fallen apart and was sad and miserable. The plans we tried to make had to be canceled because of weather. Since we moved I had not worked in the office to finish getting it all unpacked, why, because there was way to much that reminded me or was of or from my parents. So Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I was working hard totally tackle the office and get it totally in order. And I mean really going through everything. Saturday I fell apart. I wouldn’t talk to others, or even really text anyone back. I cried and cried and cried! I turned to my facebook and posted a status about that I had tried hard to be ok but wasn’t ok with Mother’s Day and that I was wishing it was already behind us. A few people posted and offered words in different ways. But a very special friend said to me, that it was totally ok for me to be sad and miss my Momma, but that I needed to remember it was a day that my children got to celebrate the greatest woman they knew, their mama. And a best friend said to me, that she hated to see me hurt, and she hated that I wasn’t able to let hubby and girls truly celebrate Mother’s Day in the way that they want, because I’m not able to let go and find peace. I had lots praying for me and that I could have a Happy Mother’s Day.
I prayed that I could find peace and happiness for my own family. I couldn’t go to sleep Saturday night and was up most all night. Sunday morning I was sleeping in. Hubby made breakfast for me and the girls got all dressed up. Lil E decided to put her dress on and dress shoes and fix her hair and put on some jewelry. So daddy helped her help little sister Lil K get all prettied up too. They all came to wake me up for a special breakfast. It was such a nice treat and not expected. Hubby had made mush, gravy, eggs, and smoked sausage Satan tried to steal my joy and fill my emotions with ugliness. He had thoughts going that that wasn’t the breakfast I wanted and it sure wasn’t the meat I like for breakfast. I prayed that these thoughts would go away and that I would enjoy and be thankful for the special breakfast my family made me. And guess what, I did just that. After breakfast, I sat down to some gifts. They had gone way above and beyond on them. I had new dishes that I had fallen in love with. I had two beautiful and special cards that they had bought for me. They were really beautiful. But then I had 10 cards that my girls had made for me. Those were perfect! The absolute BEST!!!! Hubby and I found this wonderful and perfect necklace, but they were sold out. It was a Mother and child necklace. We knew we would order it as soon as it was bag in stock. (they had told us 4 to 6 weeks). Hubby had taken the girls Mother’s Day shopping. Lil E refused everything, except this necklace that was nothing about my normal style. Hubby tried to talk her out of it. After a very long shopping trip and nothing else would she agree on. They decided to get this necklace. While to some it may be a cheap inexpensive wal mart fashion necklace, but to me it is priceless and perfect!!! It is a heart, that says #1 Mom and has a red rose on it! I will forever adore and cherish this necklace! It means so much!!!!! And more than the pricey necklace hubby and I plan to order. Hubby had bought me a special gold dipped rose! It is beautiful!!!! He tells me it’s forever, like our love, and that it’s beautiful and rare like me!!! He melted my heart!!!! I was so happy and thankful for all the heart and thoughts that had been put into making my day special! So we got dressed and head out for our day! We were spending it at the State Park and going hiking. We had not been able to camp like we had planned, thanks to the weather. And even in route there for just a few hours, nearly cancelled because of more weather. Again I prayed for the storms to stay away so that we could have a few hours of the day to enjoy. We had so much fun! We hiked. We sat out and the trail we were on was muddy. Guess what, the girls had new clothes on. Lil E was running and jumping, not realizing how slick the mud was. She slipped and feel in the mud. Her brand new clothes were covered. I normally would have gotten onto her something or said something about ruining the outfit. I am the mom who has play clothes and non play clothes. And they can get muddy and live life in the play clothes. I encourage that, but not in the non play clothes. But I just smiled and said it’s ok. Don’t worry. Even if it doesn’t come out, we have new play clothes. We are here to have fun and enjoy what God has for us and be a kid. So that is what we did. The girls caught tad poles. They waded in the lake. We were about to leave and decided to check out another spot! And it was a beautiful water fall! Normally it would be just a pretty back ground. But instead, we got in the water. We had our shoes on and I didn’t care! I handed hubby my phone and asked him to hold it so I didn’t drop it. Then handed him the camera, and told the girls come on! We are exploring and getting as close as we can to the water fall. We did!! Then we played in the stream it made. Had lots of catapillars, they even were on my shoes. I smiled and knew they would be beautiful butterflies. But they were beautiful already! As were the tad poles! Because they were living!!! And guess what, I was living!!! I was happy and I was enjoying my Mother’s Day!!!! I was enjoying the day with my husband and kids! And we were making memories that would forever be cherished!!! We had a wonderful drive there and back. We went to dinner. And had to wait a bit to get seated, but it was a great wait! Dinner was yummy. But I loved my time and sitting by hubby. Nothing was going to stop the joy of this day! We finished the night watching tv and relaxing and with some pop overs that hubby made, because that is what I wanted. I had let go, and Let God help me find joy! and I found joy alright! I had the most amazing and wonderful and happy Mother’s Day!!!! I missed my Momma, but ya know what, I even had her with me. I have a quilt that was made from her clothes! I sat on it and watched the girls play for a bit at the park too! So it was wonderful day with my hubby, my girls, and a part of my dear Momma!
Whatever you are sad about, and that it’s keeping you from living, remember to let go and Let God. When you do, you can have peace and find real joy!
Hugs and Blessings,
